Why the hell does Kirby hate this tree so much?
In the magazine business, the back page is where you’ll find all the weird gaffes we couldn’t fit anywhere else. Some may call it “filling”; we prefer “a whole page to make terrible jokes that are tangentially related to the content of the mag”.
We don’t have (paper) pages on the internet, but we still love terrible jokes – so welcome to our semi-regular feature, Back Page. Today Stuart examines the problem of a small pink ball with trees, or a particular tree…
Mario has Bowser. Samus has Ridley. Even Pit has Hades. But Kirby keeps every last drop of his boundless disdain for…a random tree.
Why? It’s a valid question. Why-o-why does Kirby hate this tree so much? Seriously, what’s his problem? On every adventure, almost without fail, he refuses to even get up in the morning unless it’s specifically to kill the hell out of this unfortunate tree.
Unfortunately, Kirby’s motivation for such behavior, like most of his behavior, is an absolute mystery. Still, it’s up to us chroniclers of Nintendo minutiae to investigate this deepest and most one-sided rivalry and try to come to some sort of understanding.
Let’s start by looking at the very first appearance of Whispy Woods; the ur-Woods that would chronicle three decades of brutal violence between a pink blob and a brown sapling. Well, a snotty green sapling, we’re guessing, given that the original Kirby’s Dream Land was released for the monochrome Game Boy handheld in late 1992…
Kirby falls into the path of this tree and immediately goes on the offensive. That said, Whispy appears to be an apple tree, and plenty of buggers break loose from its branches, fall towards Kirby, and deal damage on impact.
But can we reasonably blame Whispy Woods for what appear to be the mild effects of gravity? We say “no” – Kirby’s response of sucking up the apples and throwing them back in Whispy’s face is a ridiculous overreaction and, as far as we’re concerned, grounds for his arrest.
Whispy desperately tries to blast Kirby away by blowing air at him, but to no avail as Kirby rolls the poor grass around, spitting his own apples on it until he is beaten and bruised so badly that he start crying.
You wouldn’t hit a tree with glasses, would you?
After an almost identical appearance in Kirby’s Adventure, Whispy returned in Kirby’s Dream Land 2 in 1995, this time sporting fake glasses and a face mask in an attempt to distract Kirby from the inevitable beating.
“To see!” he seems to be shouting, voiceless and desperate, “I am another tree!”
But it’s not good. Kirby removes the disguise and broods over the unfortunate conifer again. As Whispy fights more this time – self-defense instincts see Whispy wiggle his roots until they burst in an attempt to stab through his attacker – a fairly one-sided pattern of harm has been established.
Still think Kirby is cool?
It wasn’t until late 1997, in Super Nintendo’s Dream Land 3, that Whispy Woods finally went mad as hell and refused to “take it” any longer.
He tears his roots out of the ground, adopts a much more aggressive expression, and pursues Kirby furiously, spitting fruits and vegetables at him in a true display of alley cat vigor. Unfortunately, that doesn’t help, with Kirby simply sending the projectiles back to the sender.
A valiant effort to defend himself, but Kirby prevails once again. Why must there be this hatred?
When I’m 64
Kirby officially crosses the line in The Crystal Shards, as a center stage Whispy watches his three “Whispy Juniors” play happily in a small clearing, after which Kirby proceeds to MURDER THEM.
Yes, he sucks on the apples Whispy tries to feed his family and uses them as batons to KILL CHILDREN. This rightfully allows Whispy to rise again and he launches his most aggressive assault yet, with apples raining down from all sides and razor-sharp roots once again spurting from the earth below.
Can you really blame him!? What kind of monster are we dealing with here?!?
Bring a Tank to an Apple Battle
Speaking of crossing the line, Kirby’s behavior towards Whispy in Kirby’s Epic Yarn is frankly over the top, as he flips into tank shape.
The Puffball Panzer then proceeds to apple crumble the futile Fruit Whispy. It’s actually borderline shocking how one-sided it is. Come on, Kirby! Pick someone your size.
Oh, that’s right, Whispy is about ten times bigger than you. Forget it.
After a gruesome 10-to-1 beating with a double-screen Whispy courtesy of Kirby Mass Attack, you’d be forgiven for thinking Kirby would go easy on the flaming tree for a while. Ha ha. What joke. Of course not. His bloodlust has only just begun, as in Kirby’s Return to Dream Land he marches on Whispy with a group of Meta Knight, Dedede and Waddle Dee and proceeds to absolutely body him.
This time, however, there’s a twist – Whispy tries to beat Kirby at his own game and suck him in, getting bigger in the process.
If you think it works, I have a bridge to sell you. And it’s made of wood.
Later still, in Kirby: Triple Deluxe, Kirby gets the opportunity to set the screw in Flowery Woods, a glow for the ages as Whispy took advantage of Nintendo’s 3DS opportunity to go spectacularly multicolored, plastered in many bouquets of glorious flowers. .
Naturally, Kirby took this opportunity to show no mercy, peppering the no doubt desperate tree with painful blows. Not to mention the eye strain he got from the stereoscopic 3D of the early days of the 3DS.
We can rebuild it
After all those years of hideous abuse, Whispy had to replace all of his innards with cybernetics to stay alive. Results? A Clanky Wood.
Basically a mecha version of Whispy, Clanky Woods (and later, tougher, Clanky Woods 2.0) are the pinnacle of Whispy’s suppressed aggression. It basically turns the arena into a death trap like a massive sycamore Seen movie.
But let’s not forget; it was Kirby who led Whispy Woods to this. Become something else. Something new. something dedicated to death.
Save the rainforest
With the upcoming launch of Kirby and the Forgotten Land, it’s become clear that even in the wake of some sort of Extinction Event, Kirby can’t bring himself to simply ally with Whispy Woods, who, might- one add, is an unlimited food source. Kirby would rather starve to death than let that tree live, you see.
It’s such a shame, but if there’s one thing that’s consistent in the Kirby series, it’s its white-hot HATE for Whispy Woods, whose sin against Kirby seems to be… literally nothing.
Kirby is wrongthen, and we hope there will eventually be a match where Whispy earns the long-awaited victory over the salmon-colored scourge.
But there won’t be. Whispy Woods exists to suffer. Ex nihilo nihil fit. Poy!!